Thursday, September 9, 2010
What I want to blog about really has no connection, whatsoever, to these beautiful images by Rebecca Thuss. I just liked them. A lot. And they remind me to take pleasure in the simple things. I know, I know, it's such a pat thing to say, but they do!
What I wanted to blog about is the transition into motherhood--for me. You can skip this part and just enjoy the images, I won't be offended.
This has been a process for me, this motherhood business. I'll be honest, I did not "fall in love" with my baby the first moment I clapped eyes on him. I have not thrilled at the way my time, my aspirations, my body, my basic wiring have all changed. I get frustrated when he changes just when I'm figuring him out. It's hard. Harder than I anticipated. I'm nearly 3 months in and have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons why we wanted to have a baby in the first place. He's not a difficult baby--there's no extreme colic, no nightmarish allergies--he's lovely, really. He's happy and funny and the cutest thing on two chubby legs. But, it's still been hard. It's the "me" factor that seems to trip me up. Where did I go, what am I becoming? Do mother's really have a say in the matter? I've talked to many, many mothers and I know I'm not alone in how I feel--which is of the greatest comfort, because I feel like a bit of a maternal flop at times and terribly self-conscious about the way I feel. Like I said at the beginning, this is a process. Something that is slowly taking time. "Mama" is slowly weaving its way into the fibers of my being. Which reminds me, there are so many things out there that are better when given time to evolve--relationships, plants, skills, wine, cheese, etc.... you know, the good stuff. I love being there when he wakes up from a nap--the way his whole body stretches and his lips purse. I love watching him figure something out. I love listening to his coos and burbling--even his yelling can be funny at times. It's the strangest thing, I feel like I'm host to conflicting feelings--part resentful, part unbelievable joy. Part weary, part energized. Part Julia, part William. It's so odd. And marvelous.
I guess I didn't have anything profound I wanted to end with--can I just ramble and not have a point? Writing all of this makes me stop--it's time to actually soak up this experience instead of trying to speed onto the next step, the next milestone, the next "aha!" moment. I think there will always be the hard stuff and the deliciously good stuff--both together, side-by-side. I don't think I'll ever really fully master him--he'll always be changing. I don't think I'll ever be what I once was... but I do believe that I'll slowly begin to realize that that's the exciting part--if you know what I mean.
Thank you for listening. I appreciate it!